Before we dive into it, I want to share a story about a six-year-old client of mine, that for anonymity sake I will call Lisa.During one of our regular sessions, I had Lisa draw her family members and some friends on a large piece of paper.  She drew the four members of her family and also drew two friends, Rachel and Rachel.  When I asked about the two Rachel’s she clarified that one was the mean Rachel and one was the nice Rachel.

Meanwhile, I had a couple dozen notecards that I had written phrases such as, “the one who laughs the most”, “the one who yells the most”, “the one who sleeps the most” and so on.

I then read them aloud and Lisa placed them on top of the person who she felt most fit the description.   Interestingly all the notecards landed on one of the two Rachels.  Mean Rachel was the one who made Lisa “cry the most,” who “yelled the most,” and who “laughed the most” (Lisa clarified that it wasn’t a nice laugh with you, it was a mean laughing at you laugh!).  Nice Rachel was the “happiest,” “the one who smiled the most,” “the one who was the kindest.”  I began to get a picture of this girl, Rachel, who was really lovely and sweet but also could be very mean and hurtful.

I could tell my client was really affected by this girl and so at the end of the session, in private, I asked Lisa’s mom, Kathy, if Lisa has a friend named Rachel?  Kathy said no, she didn’t think so, and then she paused for a moment and said, “but when we play dress up at home, Lisa plays ‘Rachel.’”

I was floored!  Here was this little girl, sitting in my office, in her own way wrestling with the notion: how can I sometimes be so mean and hurtful and yet also be so loving, kind and thoughtful?  She was trying to sort out and make sense of these two very real and yet very opposing sides of her.  How could she be both good and bad?

This six-year-olds question is a struggle for most of us.  It seems a contradiction for people to be both good and bad at the same time.  In order to make sense of this contradiction, we tend to split people into the “all good” or “all bad” category.

Why is this so wrong, you might ask?  It sure seems easier to see someone who has hurt us in huge ways as “all bad” or to see someone who we hold on a pedestal as “all good”.
To see both is too hard, too painful.  As though to see good in that person who hurt us disqualifies the hurt they inflicted or to see bad in the one we have idealized completely ruins the role they’ve had in our life.  It’s too messy.  It’s easier to keep good and bad separate; to stay split.

Staying split, though easier, is not worth it.  For what results, according to Cloud, are the following two problems:

1. The inability to tolerate the bad: one’s weakness or failure
2. The inability to see the good: one’s strength and success

Inability to tolerate the bad

Have you ever thought you were really good at public speaking and then had a speech that flopped and you felt you were a total failure? Or you had a tough conversation with a friend about how you let her down and afterwards you felt horrible about yourself – like you are “all bad”.  Any hint of weakness sends you over the edge.  Anyone relate?

If we are unable to tolerate weakness and failure in ourselves it often results in a level of anxiety and perfectionism that is exhausting and joy-stealing.

Similarly, have you ever been in a relationship where you felt you couldn’t measure up to the standards the other person had for you?  Or perhaps you dismissed or rejected someone the moment they hurt or disappointed you.  If we are unable to tolerate any amount of failure or weakness in those we love, our relationships will suffer. We will likely have a successive string of broken or strained relationships because no one can measure up and stay in the “all good” category forever.  That’s a lot of pressure on a person or a relationship.

Inability to see the good

Sometimes our own insecurities, brokenness or anger get in the way of seeing someone’s goodness.  Sometimes when someone has hurt us we find it too hard to see any of their goodness.  I get this. I’ve done this.  But what often results is only self-pity, bitterness and sometimes the loss of a really good relationship.

Or perhaps it’s uncomfortable for you to see or acknowledge your own good parts.  As though to love and know the ways that you are wonderful would be arrogant or cocky.  Perhaps you have learned that you will be more accepted and loved by others if you downplay your good and so over time you have lost sight of any good that you have.  How has this impacted your self-esteem?  Or your ability to love yourself as God loves you?

Seeing both!

Though often easier to make two very simple categories of “all good” or “all bad” what results, among many other things, are poor self-esteem, strained relationships, depression and anxiety.

Seeing both the good and bad in others allows your relationships to be more authentic and honest as you are loving and accepting others for their true self rather than their partial self.  When we can see others in a true light we are more able to forgive, more able to move forward, and more able to have meaningful relationship.

Seeing both the good and bad in yourself allows you to grow as you learn to love and accept yourself for your true self.  Accepting the bad parts doesn’t mean liking or agreeing but it is getting out of denial and acknowledging with grace and not harsh judgment.  It is from this place that growth, change and lasting healing can take place.

Seeing both is worth it.  Give it a whirl!

Lindsay Sturgeon is marriage and family therapist practicing in Redwood City, Calif. A graduate of Fuller, her website is http://www.lindsaysturgeon.com.